Sophia Wood Portfolio

ACT 1

Characters

ALAN, an uptight nerd with glasses.
BEN, a reluctant family man.
COOPER, a stereotypical man's man.

EXT. Alan's living room, the suburbs of New York - The day before Christmas Eve, early morning

Set in ALAN's living room the day before Christmas Eve.

ALAN sits on a couch. He's in his mid-thirties, thick glasses, always seems to be nervous about something. Beside him is

BEN, late-twenties, well-groomed, looks bored. They're both looking at
COOPER, early-forties, thick beard, a man's man. He paces the floor like a military leader about to give the big speech.

COOPER

Listen up Gentleman. In two hours, the mall doors open, and we will be tested, as fathers, as husbands, and as men. There will be chaos, there will be pain, and maybe, just maybe, we will come out of this alive.

ALAN

(Standing up)

Cooper, I don't know if this is all necessary. Shouldn't we be getting a move on soon-

COOPER

Sit down, Alan.

ALAN

(He sits down)

Okay

COOPER

This is our target.

He pulls out his phone.

COOPER (CONT.)

Hold on, it's just' these things take forever to load.

Silence for a beat.
He raises the phone triumphantly.

COOPER (CONT.)

The Mini Sizzling Wooden Kitchen Play Set-

BEN

The little fucker-

ALAN

(A little hysterical)

Twelve different shelves. Eight different sound effects. A real working oven light. And three different bundles of fake food to accompany it. This is it' the big one.

COOPER

Millions of parents have risked their sanity for this cheap bundle of wood and paint, and now it is our turn to brave the hell that is Christmas shopping. If our kids want the most popular toy in the United States, then by God we will get it for them. Do you accept your mission? For the children.

Pause.

BEN raises his hand.
ALAN looks apprehensively between the two.

COOPER

Yes, Ben.

BEN

Okay, so, the thing is, I've tried, like, thirty different stores for this stupid thing. Everywhere, and I mean everywhere is sold out. I even looked online. Amazon, eBay, craigslist, nothing. They've been sold out everywhere for months. Can't we just stick a few pieces of wood together or something? They won't know the difference. You like crafts, right?

COOPER

It's called woodworking. And, don't worry. I have that sorted. I've got some intel on the Toyville
We R Toys store. An inside informant-

BEN

Informant?

COOPER

Yeah, you know Craig? Used to work at Walmart off Elm street? His youngest is in Alice's class.

ALAN

Oh, you know Craig? He's such a nice guy.

BEN

Oh, yeah, you gotta love Craig.

COOPER

Anyway, Craig informed me that the store is getting a new shipment this morning. In one of those boxes are three The Mini Sizzling Wooden Kitchen Play Sets.

ALAN

So if we can get there before the morning rush-

COOPER

We can get our hands on them. Yes.

BEN

(Standing up)

And Craig can't just' hold them for us?

COOPER

(Rounding on Ben, angrily)

Of course not! I can't ask a man to risk his livelihood on a child's toy. This is his job we're talking about.

BEN

So?

BEN and COOPER glare at each other, barely an inch apart, each daring the other to back down first.

ALAN clears his throat.

ALAN

(Standing up, wringing his hands)

There's only one problem.

BEN

(Not taking his eyes away from Cooper)

Only one?

COOPER turns away from BEN, shaking his head.

ALAN

I've been talking to Rebecca. The Soccer-Mom Pack are meeting at the mall this morning. They're going after the-

COOPER

The Mini Sizzling Wooden Kitchen Play Sets.

They take a moment to digest this turn of events, all eyeing each other apprehensively.

BEN

(Throwing his hands up in the air)

Goddamnit! This figures, especially after what Rebecca did at the Thanksgiving bake sale with the brownies! Don't you remember-

COOPER

Thank you, Ben, I believe we all remember the Thanksgiving Brownie Fiasco of 2017.

ALAN

What do we do?

BEN throws himself onto the sofa in defeat.

BEN

Give up? We could throw some lead paint on a few rocks and tell 'em to suck it up?

ALAN

Are you kidding? Do you remember last year when we thought we found those Supergirl toys online? We thought we were so smart. We thought we could skip the Christmas Shopping. 'It's so easy,' we said, 'why does anyone even go to the mall anymore?' we said. Then what happened?

BEN

Soupergirl-

ALAN

Yup. Soup-er- girl. As in the food, Ben! They had bowls for hats!

BEN

The kids were really upset'

ALAN

(Spiralling, close to hyperventilating)

The kids were inconsolable! Christmas was ruined! I can't go through that again, Ben. Not this year! I don't have the strength!

COOPER claps his hands, snapping them out of it, and BEN and ALAN stand at attention.

COOPER

Gentleman, this is no time to panic. We will not be beaten by those hell demons. I have a plan.

The doors open at exactly 9:00am. We must be there at exactly 8:45am. From there we will position ourselves accordingly. I will be at the front, ready to enter the store. Ben-
BEN is not paying attention.

COOPER (CONT.)

Ben!

BEN

Sorry, was thinking of something else. I usually just zone out when you start your speeches.

COOPER

(Put out)

You will be nearby, ready to block Rebecca and her group of witches-

ALAN

(Hesitantly)

You know, if you get to know her, she's actually very nice-

COOPER

-from entering the store. If they go within five feet of The Mini Sizzling Wooden Kitchen Play Sets, I want you there and ready to use your body as a human shield if you must.

He acts it out, throwing himself in front of BEN and waving his arms about, pretending to block him. BEN doesn't look impressed.

COOPER

Alan-

ALAN jumps and looks scared.

COOPER (CONT.)

You'll be in the back of the crowd. Your job is to watch their every move. If they so much as get one step ahead of me and Ben, I want to know about it. There are no friends in war son, only allies and enemies. These women are not your allies. Not today. Do you understand?

ALAN

Well, I-

COOPER turns to him, pulling himself up to full height, trying to look intimidating and succeeding.

COOPER

I said, do you understand, son.

ALAN

Er, yes' sir?

COOPER

(Eyeing Alan still)

Okay then. Let's go.

COOPER starts towards the door but stops when Ben begins talking.

BEN

(Raising hand)

Hold on, I have a question. Why are you the one going for the kitchen sets?

COOPER

What do you mean?

BEN

(Standing again)

I mean what if there isn't three left? What if there's only one or two? Who gets to decide who gets them? You? Me? Alan? There's no guarantee that we'll be able to grab all three of them before anyone else. Like you said, it's the more popular toy in the US right now.

COOPER

I don't think-

ALAN

No, he's got a point. I mean' why aren't you the one who's using their body as a human shield? You're the epitome of the male specimen. I don't say this lightly, Cooper, you are a very muscular man.

COOPER

Thank you.

ALAN

Why am I all the way in the back? I don't want to be alone-

ALAN is struck with realization.

ALAN (CONT.)

Are you trying to distract me while you get the last kitchen set? How do I know you two aren't in cahoots?

BEN

Cahoots?

ALAN

It's a word! You cahooter!

BEN takes one step towards him and ALAN caves like a pile of cards onto the sofa. BEN just shakes his head and turns back to COOPER.

BEN

Yeah, Cooper, why aren't you the human shield? I don't want to be the human shield.

COOPER

Because' well, obviously because'

BEN

I knew it! I knew it! You think Alice deserves the kitchen set more than our kids, don't you?

COOPER

No, of course I don't-

ALAN

(Nervously, hesitantly)

So, then what does happen if there's only one left? Whose kid gets it?

Pause.

COOPER

(Throwing his hands up in defeat)

Okay! Fine! Yeah, I think that if we can't get all three then Alice should get one. She's really improved in her reading this year and I promised her that if she got five gold stars on her homework then I'd get her The Mini Sizzling Wooden Kitchen Play Set. Do you know how many gold stars she got? Ten!

ALAN

What? Michelle deserves it way more than your kids.

Everyone is shocked, including ALAN.

ALAN (CONT.)

It's true. She won the spelling bee this year. She won the talent show. She's got all A's in every subject. She's worked really hard this year and if anyone deserves it, it's her!

COOPER

That talent show was a sham and you know it!

BEN

You guys just don't think Aiden should get it because he's a boy, don't you? Here we go again! Society forcing children to conform to gender roles. Children! I guess he's just not as important as your daughters.

BEN and COOPER round on each other, one wrong word away from throwing punches.

COOPER

Don't give me all that. You wanted to give the kids painted rocks a minute ago! And now you care?

BEN

Oh, suddenly you're parent of the year!

COOPER

What's that supposed to mean?

BEN

Oh nothing, just how many times have I driven Alice to soccer practice for you this year?

COOPER

(Hurt.)

You said you didn't mind doing that! You said it was better that I asked you instead of Rebecca.

ALAN

(Quietly)

Seriously, Ben, Cooper, lay off Rebecca, she's quite nice when you get to know her.

They turn from each other to ALAN, furious.

BEN

Oh, shut up Alan you traitor. Don't you remember the brownies! On Thanksgiving!

ALAN

They were my brownies! Okay? Stop blaming Rebecca for the Thanksgiving Brownie Fiasco of 2017. It was me!

Shocked silence. BEN and COOPER are horrified.

COOPER

Alan!

ALAN

I know, I know. Rebecca took the blame because she felt sorry for me. She knew how hard I worked on hard on them. And then the whole thing kind of snowballed and then it was too late to come clean about it. Just, don't blame Michelle for my mistakes, okay? She deserves the kitchen set as much as your kids do.

Silence.

COOPER

At least Alice wasn't caught throwing sand at the Kindergarteners.

BEN

Okay!

ALAN

Hold on!

BEN

Those kids had it coming.

ALAN

It wasn't their fault, it was a set up!

BEN

They were provoked.

COOPER

By first graders?

BEN AND ALAN (TOGETHER)

Yes!

There's a knock at the door. They all glare furiously at each other before Alan relents and goes to answer the door. When he comes back, he's holding a heavy package.
He sets it down in front of them all and opens it. They all gasp at what is inside.

COOPER

Is that?

BEN

It is'

COOPER

How on earth did you-

ALAN

I have no idea'

COOPER

It's a Christmas Miracle.

ALAN pulls out his phone and dials.

ALAN

(On the phone)

Hi, honey, a package just arrived. Did you order-' uh huh' Oh, all of you? Together? Uh huh.. No, no, we didn't' yeah? Okay thanks, love you too.

He puts the phone away and then turns to the other two.

ALAN

They got 'em' They all got them' She said the Mini Sizzling Wooden Kitchen Play Sets are coming to all our houses before tomorrow. She got them with the others last night.

Pause.

COOPER

My husband is the best!